Bindle

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: January 3, 2024 | Last Updated: February 6, 2025

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1. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

All employees must complete mandatory safety training annually, consisting of a 47-minute video produced in 1997 and a quiz with answers that haven't changed since the Clinton administration.

Personal protective equipment (PPE) is required in all designated areas. 'Designated areas' are wherever we put the yellow tape. If you can't find yellow tape, assume everywhere is dangerous.

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

All safety incidents must be reported within 24 hours using Form SF-47B, available in the supply closet that's been locked since 2021. Alternative reporting methods include interpretive dance or carrier pigeon.

2. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

Our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provides confidential counseling services. 'Confidential' means we don't read the reports, mostly because we're too busy.

Stress management resources include: deep breathing exercises, mindfulness apps (subscription not covered), and screaming into the void during designated break times.

Bindle recognizes that mental health is just as important as physical health, which is why we've put up some motivational posters and called it a program.

3. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

In case of fire, proceed calmly to the nearest exit. If you don't know where the nearest exit is, that's concerning, but now is a great time to learn.

Emergency evacuation drills are conducted quarterly, or whenever the CEO accidentally triggers the alarm by vaping near the smoke detector.

The emergency phone number is posted on the wall behind the vending machine. You can also call 911, but we prefer you try our internal system first for liability documentation purposes.

Each floor has a designated Emergency Coordinator who volunteered once and now regrets it deeply. Their primary responsibility is wearing a fluorescent vest and looking official.

4. VISITOR SAFETY

All visitors must sign in at reception and receive a visitor badge. The badge must be worn visibly, preferably not upside down, though we appreciate the creativity.

Visitors must be accompanied by a Bindle employee at all times, primarily so we have someone to blame if they get lost.

Visitor-related incidents are documented separately because they're technically not our employees, which has certain insurance implications we'd rather not explain.

Emergency procedures for visitors include: following your host, not panicking (more than necessary), and remembering that you signed a waiver at reception.

5. EQUIPMENT SAFETY

Company vehicles must be inspected before each use using the checklist that's been on the dashboard since 2018 and is now largely illegible.

Lockout/Tagout procedures must be followed when servicing equipment. If you don't know what Lockout/Tagout means, please don't service any equipment.

Power tools and machinery require specific training, available through our Learning Management System that hasn't been updated since Java was trendy.

6. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

Chemical spills should be contained immediately using the spill kit located... somewhere. It's definitely somewhere. Ask Derek; he might know.

All hazardous materials must be stored in clearly labeled containers. 'Clearly labeled' means someone wrote on it with a Sharpie that's mostly still legible.

Biohazard waste must be disposed of in designated red containers, not the regular trash. We learned this the hard way, and the janitorial staff still hasn't forgiven us.

Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) are available in the Safety Binder, located in the supply room next to the first aid kit we've been meaning to restock.

7. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

Standing desks are available and have been proven to reduce sitting-related injuries while increasing standing-related complaints. It's a trade-off.

Proper sitting posture includes: feet flat on the floor, back against the chair, and existential dread kept at a minimum. Two out of three is acceptable.

Employees are encouraged to take regular breaks to stretch and move around. We installed that fancy coffee machine two floors away specifically for this purpose.

Keyboard and mouse positioning should allow for neutral wrist position. If you're unsure what 'neutral' means, imagine your wrists have achieved inner peace.

8. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

All workplace injuries, no matter how minor, must be reported within 24 hours. Paper cuts count. Emotional injuries from performance reviews do not.

Root cause analysis will be performed for all serious incidents. 'Root cause' is usually determined to be 'human error' because equipment is expensive to replace.