Bindle
Environmental risks include: weather, temperature, humidity, air quality, cosmic radiation, Mercury retrograde, and whatever else we can blame for incidents.
You acknowledge that participating in Bindle's services involves inherent risks, including but not limited to: physical injury, emotional distress, financial ruin, and discovering uncomfortable truths about yourself.
You assume all risks, known and unknown, foreseen and unforeseen, imagined and unimagined, real and theoretical, in this dimension and all parallel dimensions.
You understand that assuming risk means you can't sue us later. That's the whole point of this document, really.
By signing this waiver, you accept responsibility for your own safety, the safety of your belongings, and the safety of your immortal soul (if applicable).
Risk assumption includes: risks arising from our negligence, our gross negligence, our employees' negligence, and negligence of people who once walked past our building.
This release extends to: Bindle, its officers, directors, employees, volunteers, interns, that guy who sometimes helps with IT, and anyone else we can think of.
This release is binding upon you, your heirs, your executors, your administrators, and your descendants for the next seven generations.
You hereby release Bindle from any and all claims, demands, actions, and causes of action arising from your use of our services, regardless of how clearly it was our fault.
You waive all claims for: personal injury, property damage, wrongful death, lost income, lost opportunity, lost dignity, and lost faith in humanity.
You waive the right to bring any legal action against Bindle, even if we did something really, obviously, spectacularly wrong. Especially then.
This waiver includes claims under: tort law, contract law, statutory law, maritime law, bird law, and any law invented in the future specifically to address our behavior.
You agree not to initiate lawsuits, join class actions, file complaints with regulatory agencies, write angry Yelp reviews, or subtweet us.
You release all medical information to Bindle that may be relevant to your care, which we will store securely and only share with our analytics team.
In case of injury, you authorize Bindle to seek medical treatment on your behalf, which you will pay for, because we're definitely not covering that.
If you fail to indemnify us properly, we reserve the right to be very disappointed in you.
You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless Bindle from any claims by you, your family, your lawyer, or anyone you've ever met.