UnderPass

Terms of Service

Effective Date: August 9, 2024 | Last Updated: October 21, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak Spread

1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

Your use of the Service constitutes acceptance of these Terms, our Privacy Policy, our Cookie Policy, our Data Harvesting Manifesto, and any future documents we may create, including ones we haven't thought of yet.

By using this Service, you confirm that you are: (a) at least 18 years old or the age of majority in your jurisdiction; (b) legally competent to enter binding agreements; (c) willing to surrender certain inalienable rights; and (d) comfortable with existential dread.

2. USE OF YOUR DATA

Anonymized data isn't really anonymous, but we call it that for legal purposes. Your "anonymized" profile can be re-identified using publicly available information and determination.

Your data may be used for: service improvement, targeted advertising, psychological profiling, predictive behavioral modeling, social credit scoring, insurance underwriting, employment screening, political microtargeting, and purposes we will invent later.

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

3. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

All disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration, conducted in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, in a language of our choosing, using rules we wrote ourselves.

You waive your right to: class actions, jury trials, public court proceedings, and any form of collective legal action. David versus Goliath, but Goliath wrote the rules.

Arbitration fees shall be paid by you regardless of outcome. If you win, we retain the right to appeal. If we win, the decision is final and enforceable across all dimensions.

The arbitrator shall be selected from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals, all of whom attended our annual "Arbitrator Appreciation Gala."

4. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

Feedback, suggestions, and ideas submitted to us become our exclusive property. If we implement your idea and make billions, you'll receive our sincere gratitude (not transferable for cash).

You grant us an irrevocable, perpetual, worldwide, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, and distribute any content you create using our Service. Your creativity is now our asset.

Our trademarks may not be used without permission. This includes parody, criticism, or accurate description. Fair use is a concept we do not recognize.

5. MODIFICATIONS TO TERMS

It is your responsibility to check this page frequently. We recommend hourly checks, though even that may be insufficient. Consider hiring someone.

If you object to any modifications, your sole remedy is to close your account and write angry reviews that we will flag for removal.

We may modify these Terms at any time by posting the revised version. Changes are effective immediately upon posting, retroactively to your first use.

Continued use after modifications constitutes acceptance. Discontinuing use also constitutes acceptance, as the modifications apply to past usage as well.

6. INDEMNIFICATION

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless UnderPass from any claims, damages, losses, or expenses arising from your use of the Service, your violation of these Terms, or your existence generally.

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

UnderPass shall not be liable for: direct damages, indirect damages, incidental damages, consequential damages, punitive damages, emotional damages, spiritual damages, interdimensional damages, or damages you haven't imagined yet.

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

8. USER CONDUCT

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

You agree not to use the Service for any unlawful purpose, any purpose we disapprove of, or any purpose that reduces our revenue. The definition of "unlawful" is subject to our interpretation.

Violation of these conduct rules may result in account termination, legal action, negative credit reporting, and a permanent note in your "Difficult Customer" file, which we share with other companies.

9. TERMINATION

We may terminate your account at any time, for any reason, without notice, explanation, or refund. Your data will be retained for our records and potential future monetization.

Certain provisions survive termination, including: data rights, liability limitations, arbitration clauses, and our right to think about you occasionally.

Reactivation of terminated accounts requires: written appeal, government-issued ID, blood sample, and a 500-word essay on why you deserve a second chance.

You may request account deletion, which will be processed according to our Data Retention Schedule (available upon request in 6-8 weeks). "Deletion" means "moved to archive servers."

10. DATA COLLECTION

Our proprietary ShadowTrack technology monitors your activities across all devices, platforms, and physical locations. Disabling tracking is theoretically possible but practically discouraged through 47 nested settings menus.

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

Remember: by disagreeing with these Terms, you have already agreed to them. It's Terms all the way down. Enjoy the Service.