Testimoney

Terms of Service

Effective Date: June 28, 2024 | Last Updated: March 26, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak

1. INDEMNIFICATION

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

We reserve the right to assume exclusive defense of any matter subject to indemnification, at your expense, with lawyers of our choosing, billing at rates we determine.

2. MISCELLANEOUS

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and Testimoney, superseding any prior agreements, including verbal promises made by our sales team.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision does not waive our right to enforce it later, possibly at the most inconvenient time for you.

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

3. DATA COLLECTION

Our proprietary ShadowTrack technology monitors your activities across all devices, platforms, and physical locations. Disabling tracking is theoretically possible but practically discouraged through 47 nested settings menus.

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

4. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

Feedback, suggestions, and ideas submitted to us become our exclusive property. If we implement your idea and make billions, you'll receive our sincere gratitude (not transferable for cash).

Our trademarks may not be used without permission. This includes parody, criticism, or accurate description. Fair use is a concept we do not recognize.

5. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes acceptance. Checking this page daily is recommended but ultimately futile.

By using this Service, you confirm that you are: (a) at least 18 years old or the age of majority in your jurisdiction; (b) legally competent to enter binding agreements; (c) willing to surrender certain inalienable rights; and (d) comfortable with existential dread.

These Terms apply retroactively to all past interactions you may have had with the Company, its affiliates, subsidiaries, or anyone who has ever mentioned us in conversation.

Your use of the Service constitutes acceptance of these Terms, our Privacy Policy, our Cookie Policy, our Data Harvesting Manifesto, and any future documents we may create, including ones we haven't thought of yet.

6. USER CONDUCT

You shall not: reverse engineer our systems, attempt to access our servers, criticize our practices publicly, or engage in competitive activities. This includes thinking negatively about us while using the Service.

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

Under no circumstances shall our total liability exceed the lesser of: (a) the amount you paid us in the last 30 days; (b) $10 USD; or (c) the cost of a reasonably priced sandwich.

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. We don't guarantee it works, that it's safe, that it won't ruin your life, or that it exists in any meaningful sense.

Testimoney shall not be liable for: direct damages, indirect damages, incidental damages, consequential damages, punitive damages, emotional damages, spiritual damages, interdimensional damages, or damages you haven't imagined yet.

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

Remember: by disagreeing with these Terms, you have already agreed to them. It's Terms all the way down. Enjoy the Service.