Terms of Service

1. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

The arbitrator shall be selected from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals, all of whom attended our annual "Arbitrator Appreciation Gala."

Arbitration fees shall be paid by you regardless of outcome. If you win, we retain the right to appeal. If we win, the decision is final and enforceable across all dimensions.

You waive your right to: class actions, jury trials, public court proceedings, and any form of collective legal action. David versus Goliath, but Goliath wrote the rules.

Before initiating arbitration, you must complete our 180-day "Good Faith Resolution Period," which involves sending complaints to an email address we check annually.

2. USER CONDUCT

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

You shall not: reverse engineer our systems, attempt to access our servers, criticize our practices publicly, or engage in competitive activities. This includes thinking negatively about us while using the Service.

Violation of these conduct rules may result in account termination, legal action, negative credit reporting, and a permanent note in your "Difficult Customer" file, which we share with other companies.

3. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. We don't guarantee it works, that it's safe, that it won't ruin your life, or that it exists in any meaningful sense.

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

Terminal shall not be liable for: direct damages, indirect damages, incidental damages, consequential damages, punitive damages, emotional damages, spiritual damages, interdimensional damages, or damages you haven't imagined yet.

Under no circumstances shall our total liability exceed the lesser of: (a) the amount you paid us in the last 30 days; (b) $10 USD; or (c) the cost of a reasonably priced sandwich.

4. INDEMNIFICATION

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Terminal from any claims, damages, losses, or expenses arising from your use of the Service, your violation of these Terms, or your existence generally.

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

Indemnification obligations survive termination of your account, your death, the heat death of the universe, and any other natural ending.

5. MODIFICATIONS TO TERMS

We may modify these Terms at any time by posting the revised version. Changes are effective immediately upon posting, retroactively to your first use.

It is your responsibility to check this page frequently. We recommend hourly checks, though even that may be insufficient. Consider hiring someone.

6. MISCELLANEOUS

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full effect, and we'll find creative ways to achieve the same outcome.

7. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

All content, features, and functionality are owned by Terminal and protected by international copyright, trademark, patent, trade secret, and laws we lobbied to create.

You grant us an irrevocable, perpetual, worldwide, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, and distribute any content you create using our Service. Your creativity is now our asset.

8. USE OF YOUR DATA

Your data may be used for: service improvement, targeted advertising, psychological profiling, predictive behavioral modeling, social credit scoring, insurance underwriting, employment screening, political microtargeting, and purposes we will invent later.

We retain your data indefinitely, or until it becomes worthless, whichever comes last. Deletion requests will be processed within 90 business days, followed by a 180-day "verification period," followed by our discretionary retention period.

Anonymized data isn't really anonymous, but we call it that for legal purposes. Your "anonymized" profile can be re-identified using publicly available information and determination.

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

By using Terminal, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by these Terms. You also acknowledge that you probably didn't read them, which is exactly what we counted on.