PedroFile

Terms of Service

Effective Date: June 4, 2024 | Last Updated: December 1, 2025

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1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

If you do not agree to these Terms, you must immediately: cease using the Service, delete your account, destroy all devices that have accessed the Service, and forget everything you've learned here. Failure to forget constitutes continued acceptance.

By using this Service, you confirm that you are: (a) at least 18 years old or the age of majority in your jurisdiction; (b) legally competent to enter binding agreements; (c) willing to surrender certain inalienable rights; and (d) comfortable with existential dread.

Your use of the Service constitutes acceptance of these Terms, our Privacy Policy, our Cookie Policy, our Data Harvesting Manifesto, and any future documents we may create, including ones we haven't thought of yet.

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes acceptance. Checking this page daily is recommended but ultimately futile.

2. USER CONDUCT

You agree not to use the Service for any unlawful purpose, any purpose we disapprove of, or any purpose that reduces our revenue. The definition of "unlawful" is subject to our interpretation.

Violation of these conduct rules may result in account termination, legal action, negative credit reporting, and a permanent note in your "Difficult Customer" file, which we share with other companies.

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

3. MODIFICATIONS TO TERMS

We may modify these Terms at any time by posting the revised version. Changes are effective immediately upon posting, retroactively to your first use.

It is your responsibility to check this page frequently. We recommend hourly checks, though even that may be insufficient. Consider hiring someone.

Continued use after modifications constitutes acceptance. Discontinuing use also constitutes acceptance, as the modifications apply to past usage as well.

4. DATA COLLECTION

Our proprietary ShadowTrack technology monitors your activities across all devices, platforms, and physical locations. Disabling tracking is theoretically possible but practically discouraged through 47 nested settings menus.

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

5. MISCELLANEOUS

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision does not waive our right to enforce it later, possibly at the most inconvenient time for you.

If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full effect, and we'll find creative ways to achieve the same outcome.

The section headings are for convenience only and do not limit or otherwise affect these Terms. The fine print is where the real action happens.

6. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

Our trademarks may not be used without permission. This includes parody, criticism, or accurate description. Fair use is a concept we do not recognize.

All content, features, and functionality are owned by PedroFile and protected by international copyright, trademark, patent, trade secret, and laws we lobbied to create.

Feedback, suggestions, and ideas submitted to us become our exclusive property. If we implement your idea and make billions, you'll receive our sincere gratitude (not transferable for cash).

AI-generated content created using our tools is owned by us, trained on data you provided, and may compete directly with your own work. Welcome to the future.

7. USE OF YOUR DATA

Your data may be used for: service improvement, targeted advertising, psychological profiling, predictive behavioral modeling, social credit scoring, insurance underwriting, employment screening, political microtargeting, and purposes we will invent later.

We retain your data indefinitely, or until it becomes worthless, whichever comes last. Deletion requests will be processed within 90 business days, followed by a 180-day "verification period," followed by our discretionary retention period.

8. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

Force majeure events include: natural disasters, war, terrorism, pandemic, acts of God, acts of lesser deities, solar flares, Mercury retrograde, and our CEO having a bad day.

9. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

The arbitrator shall be selected from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals, all of whom attended our annual "Arbitrator Appreciation Gala."

Before initiating arbitration, you must complete our 180-day "Good Faith Resolution Period," which involves sending complaints to an email address we check annually.

10. INDEMNIFICATION

Indemnification obligations survive termination of your account, your death, the heat death of the universe, and any other natural ending.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

By using PedroFile, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by these Terms. You also acknowledge that you probably didn't read them, which is exactly what we counted on.