Minor Miners

Terms of Service

Effective Date: September 9, 2024 | Last Updated: February 6, 2025

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1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

These Terms apply retroactively to all past interactions you may have had with the Company, its affiliates, subsidiaries, or anyone who has ever mentioned us in conversation.

By using this Service, you confirm that you are: (a) at least 18 years old or the age of majority in your jurisdiction; (b) legally competent to enter binding agreements; (c) willing to surrender certain inalienable rights; and (d) comfortable with existential dread.

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes acceptance. Checking this page daily is recommended but ultimately futile.

2. MISCELLANEOUS

The section headings are for convenience only and do not limit or otherwise affect these Terms. The fine print is where the real action happens.

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and Minor Miners, superseding any prior agreements, including verbal promises made by our sales team.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision does not waive our right to enforce it later, possibly at the most inconvenient time for you.

3. DATA COLLECTION

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

4. USE OF YOUR DATA

Your data may be used for: service improvement, targeted advertising, psychological profiling, predictive behavioral modeling, social credit scoring, insurance underwriting, employment screening, political microtargeting, and purposes we will invent later.

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

5. TERMINATION

Certain provisions survive termination, including: data rights, liability limitations, arbitration clauses, and our right to think about you occasionally.

We may terminate your account at any time, for any reason, without notice, explanation, or refund. Your data will be retained for our records and potential future monetization.

Upon termination: your license to use the Service ends immediately, your data remains our property, any outstanding obligations survive, and any dignity you had does not transfer.

6. INDEMNIFICATION

Indemnification obligations survive termination of your account, your death, the heat death of the universe, and any other natural ending.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

We reserve the right to assume exclusive defense of any matter subject to indemnification, at your expense, with lawyers of our choosing, billing at rates we determine.

7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

Under no circumstances shall our total liability exceed the lesser of: (a) the amount you paid us in the last 30 days; (b) $10 USD; or (c) the cost of a reasonably priced sandwich.

8. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

The arbitrator shall be selected from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals, all of whom attended our annual "Arbitrator Appreciation Gala."

Arbitration fees shall be paid by you regardless of outcome. If you win, we retain the right to appeal. If we win, the decision is final and enforceable across all dimensions.

These Terms were last updated on February 6, 2025. They were drafted by attorneys who are paid by the word, and it shows. Good luck out there.