Handy Jobs

Terms of Service

Effective Date: March 15, 2024 | Last Updated: July 16, 2025

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1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

If you do not agree to these Terms, you must immediately: cease using the Service, delete your account, destroy all devices that have accessed the Service, and forget everything you've learned here. Failure to forget constitutes continued acceptance.

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes acceptance. Checking this page daily is recommended but ultimately futile.

2. DATA COLLECTION

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

We employ advanced biometric collection including: facial recognition, voice patterns, typing cadence, gait analysis, and emotional state detection. Your face is now part of our training dataset. Thank you for your contribution to AI.

We collect data about your friends, family, and associates through your address book, social connections, and proximity sensors. By using this Service, you have consented on their behalf. They'll thank you later (they won't).

Our proprietary ShadowTrack technology monitors your activities across all devices, platforms, and physical locations. Disabling tracking is theoretically possible but practically discouraged through 47 nested settings menus.

3. USE OF YOUR DATA

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

Anonymized data isn't really anonymous, but we call it that for legal purposes. Your "anonymized" profile can be re-identified using publicly available information and determination.

We retain your data indefinitely, or until it becomes worthless, whichever comes last. Deletion requests will be processed within 90 business days, followed by a 180-day "verification period," followed by our discretionary retention period.

4. TERMINATION

Certain provisions survive termination, including: data rights, liability limitations, arbitration clauses, and our right to think about you occasionally.

We may terminate your account at any time, for any reason, without notice, explanation, or refund. Your data will be retained for our records and potential future monetization.

5. INDEMNIFICATION

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Handy Jobs from any claims, damages, losses, or expenses arising from your use of the Service, your violation of these Terms, or your existence generally.

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

6. MISCELLANEOUS

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full effect, and we'll find creative ways to achieve the same outcome.

7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

Handy Jobs shall not be liable for: direct damages, indirect damages, incidental damages, consequential damages, punitive damages, emotional damages, spiritual damages, interdimensional damages, or damages you haven't imagined yet.

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. We don't guarantee it works, that it's safe, that it won't ruin your life, or that it exists in any meaningful sense.

8. USER CONDUCT

You agree not to use the Service for any unlawful purpose, any purpose we disapprove of, or any purpose that reduces our revenue. The definition of "unlawful" is subject to our interpretation.

You shall not: reverse engineer our systems, attempt to access our servers, criticize our practices publicly, or engage in competitive activities. This includes thinking negatively about us while using the Service.

You grant us a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide license to your content, ideas, feedback, and intellectual property. This includes things you thought but didn't type. Innovation isn't theft if it's in the Terms.

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

Questions about these Terms may be directed to legal@handyjobs.vagibond.com, where they will be received, acknowledged, and promptly ignored.