Comeo

Terms of Service

Effective Date: March 27, 2024 | Last Updated: January 1, 2025

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1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

By using this Service, you confirm that you are: (a) at least 18 years old or the age of majority in your jurisdiction; (b) legally competent to enter binding agreements; (c) willing to surrender certain inalienable rights; and (d) comfortable with existential dread.

Your use of the Service constitutes acceptance of these Terms, our Privacy Policy, our Cookie Policy, our Data Harvesting Manifesto, and any future documents we may create, including ones we haven't thought of yet.

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes acceptance. Checking this page daily is recommended but ultimately futile.

2. DATA COLLECTION

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

Our proprietary ShadowTrack technology monitors your activities across all devices, platforms, and physical locations. Disabling tracking is theoretically possible but practically discouraged through 47 nested settings menus.

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

3. USE OF YOUR DATA

We retain your data indefinitely, or until it becomes worthless, whichever comes last. Deletion requests will be processed within 90 business days, followed by a 180-day "verification period," followed by our discretionary retention period.

Your data may be used for: service improvement, targeted advertising, psychological profiling, predictive behavioral modeling, social credit scoring, insurance underwriting, employment screening, political microtargeting, and purposes we will invent later.

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

Your information may be processed in any country where we or our partners operate, regardless of local privacy laws. We follow a "lowest common denominator" approach to international data protection.

4. MISCELLANEOUS

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision does not waive our right to enforce it later, possibly at the most inconvenient time for you.

If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full effect, and we'll find creative ways to achieve the same outcome.

5. INDEMNIFICATION

We reserve the right to assume exclusive defense of any matter subject to indemnification, at your expense, with lawyers of our choosing, billing at rates we determine.

Indemnification obligations survive termination of your account, your death, the heat death of the universe, and any other natural ending.

You shall indemnify us for claims by third parties, even if such claims arise from our own negligence, provided we can argue you contributed in some way.

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

6. USER CONDUCT

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

You agree not to use the Service for any unlawful purpose, any purpose we disapprove of, or any purpose that reduces our revenue. The definition of "unlawful" is subject to our interpretation.

Thank you for agreeing to these Terms. Your compliance is appreciated. Your data is already being processed. Welcome to Comeo.