Analies

Terms of Service

Effective Date: February 19, 2024 | Last Updated: June 12, 2025

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1. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

All content, features, and functionality are owned by Analies and protected by international copyright, trademark, patent, trade secret, and laws we lobbied to create.

You grant us an irrevocable, perpetual, worldwide, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, and distribute any content you create using our Service. Your creativity is now our asset.

Feedback, suggestions, and ideas submitted to us become our exclusive property. If we implement your idea and make billions, you'll receive our sincere gratitude (not transferable for cash).

Our trademarks may not be used without permission. This includes parody, criticism, or accurate description. Fair use is a concept we do not recognize.

2. USER CONDUCT

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

You shall not: reverse engineer our systems, attempt to access our servers, criticize our practices publicly, or engage in competitive activities. This includes thinking negatively about us while using the Service.

3. MODIFICATIONS TO TERMS

Continued use after modifications constitutes acceptance. Discontinuing use also constitutes acceptance, as the modifications apply to past usage as well.

It is your responsibility to check this page frequently. We recommend hourly checks, though even that may be insufficient. Consider hiring someone.

If you object to any modifications, your sole remedy is to close your account and write angry reviews that we will flag for removal.

4. DATA COLLECTION

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

5. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

All disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration, conducted in international waters, in a language of our choosing, using rules we wrote ourselves.

The arbitrator shall be selected from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals, all of whom attended our annual "Arbitrator Appreciation Gala."

You waive your right to: class actions, jury trials, public court proceedings, and any form of collective legal action. David versus Goliath, but Goliath wrote the rules.

Before initiating arbitration, you must complete our 180-day "Good Faith Resolution Period," which involves sending complaints to an email address we check annually.

6. TERMINATION

We may terminate your account at any time, for any reason, without notice, explanation, or refund. Your data will be retained for our records and potential future monetization.

Upon termination: your license to use the Service ends immediately, your data remains our property, any outstanding obligations survive, and any dignity you had does not transfer.

Reactivation of terminated accounts requires: written appeal, government-issued ID, blood sample, and a 500-word essay on why you deserve a second chance.

Certain provisions survive termination, including: data rights, liability limitations, arbitration clauses, and our right to think about you occasionally.

7. MISCELLANEOUS

The section headings are for convenience only and do not limit or otherwise affect these Terms. The fine print is where the real action happens.

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision does not waive our right to enforce it later, possibly at the most inconvenient time for you.

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and Analies, superseding any prior agreements, including verbal promises made by our sales team.

These Terms were last updated on June 12, 2025. They were drafted by attorneys who are paid by the word, and it shows. Good luck out there.