UnderPass

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: February 8, 2024 | Last Updated: March 18, 2025

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1. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

Employees are expected to maintain situational awareness at all times. This means looking up from your phone occasionally and acknowledging that the physical world exists.

All safety incidents must be reported within 24 hours using Form SF-47B, available in the supply closet that's been locked since 2021. Alternative reporting methods include interpretive dance or carrier pigeon.

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

2. VISITOR SAFETY

Visitors are required to follow all safety protocols during their visit. We explain these protocols in a 30-second overview that covers approximately 2% of this document.

Emergency procedures for visitors include: following your host, not panicking (more than necessary), and remembering that you signed a waiver at reception.

Visitors must be accompanied by a UnderPass employee at all times, primarily so we have someone to blame if they get lost.

3. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

Chemical spills should be contained immediately using the spill kit located... somewhere. It's definitely somewhere. Ask Derek; he might know.

Employees handling hazardous materials must wear appropriate protective gear, including gloves that may or may not be the correct type for the specific hazard—we ordered in bulk.

4. EQUIPMENT SAFETY

All equipment must be inspected before use. 'Inspected' means looking at it briefly and determining it probably won't explode.

Defective equipment should be reported immediately and tagged 'Do Not Use.' The tag is somewhere; we'll find it. Just use a Post-it note for now.

Power tools and machinery require specific training, available through our Learning Management System that hasn't been updated since Java was trendy.

Company vehicles must be inspected before each use using the checklist that's been on the dashboard since 2018 and is now largely illegible.

5. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

Employees experiencing burnout should speak with their manager, who is also experiencing burnout, creating a beautiful cycle of shared suffering.

Our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provides confidential counseling services. 'Confidential' means we don't read the reports, mostly because we're too busy.

6. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

The emergency phone number is posted on the wall behind the vending machine. You can also call 911, but we prefer you try our internal system first for liability documentation purposes.

Each floor has a designated Emergency Coordinator who volunteered once and now regrets it deeply. Their primary responsibility is wearing a fluorescent vest and looking official.

Emergency evacuation drills are conducted quarterly, or whenever the CEO accidentally triggers the alarm by vaping near the smoke detector.

In case of earthquake, take cover under a sturdy desk. If your desk is one of those trendy standing desks with no actual desk part, we recommend finding someone with a real desk to hide under.

7. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

UnderPass provides ergonomic assessments upon request. 'Upon request' means filling out a form, waiting 6-8 weeks, and then being told to adjust your monitor height.

Proper sitting posture includes: feet flat on the floor, back against the chair, and existential dread kept at a minimum. Two out of three is acceptable.

Keyboard and mouse positioning should allow for neutral wrist position. If you're unsure what 'neutral' means, imagine your wrists have achieved inner peace.

8. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

Root cause analysis will be performed for all serious incidents. 'Root cause' is usually determined to be 'human error' because equipment is expensive to replace.

All workplace injuries, no matter how minor, must be reported within 24 hours. Paper cuts count. Emotional injuries from performance reviews do not.

Near-misses should also be reported so we can learn from them. We have learned from approximately zero near-misses, but we appreciate the documentation.

Corrective actions will be documented and implemented within a reasonable timeframe. 'Reasonable' is defined as 'before the next audit.'