PedroFile

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: November 23, 2024 | Last Updated: January 1, 2025

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1. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

In case of fire, proceed calmly to the nearest exit. If you don't know where the nearest exit is, that's concerning, but now is a great time to learn.

Emergency evacuation drills are conducted quarterly, or whenever the CEO accidentally triggers the alarm by vaping near the smoke detector.

Each floor has a designated Emergency Coordinator who volunteered once and now regrets it deeply. Their primary responsibility is wearing a fluorescent vest and looking official.

The emergency phone number is posted on the wall behind the vending machine. You can also call 911, but we prefer you try our internal system first for liability documentation purposes.

2. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

All employees must complete mandatory safety training annually, consisting of a 47-minute video produced in 1997 and a quiz with answers that haven't changed since the Clinton administration.

Personal protective equipment (PPE) is required in all designated areas. 'Designated areas' are wherever we put the yellow tape. If you can't find yellow tape, assume everywhere is dangerous.

Employees are expected to maintain situational awareness at all times. This means looking up from your phone occasionally and acknowledging that the physical world exists.

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

3. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

Employees are encouraged to take regular breaks to stretch and move around. We installed that fancy coffee machine two floors away specifically for this purpose.

Standing desks are available and have been proven to reduce sitting-related injuries while increasing standing-related complaints. It's a trade-off.

Proper sitting posture includes: feet flat on the floor, back against the chair, and existential dread kept at a minimum. Two out of three is acceptable.

Keyboard and mouse positioning should allow for neutral wrist position. If you're unsure what 'neutral' means, imagine your wrists have achieved inner peace.

4. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

Employees experiencing burnout should speak with their manager, who is also experiencing burnout, creating a beautiful cycle of shared suffering.

PedroFile recognizes that mental health is just as important as physical health, which is why we've put up some motivational posters and called it a program.

Mental health days are available and totally won't be held against you during performance reviews. We promise. (This is not legally binding.)

5. EQUIPMENT SAFETY

Lockout/Tagout procedures must be followed when servicing equipment. If you don't know what Lockout/Tagout means, please don't service any equipment.

Power tools and machinery require specific training, available through our Learning Management System that hasn't been updated since Java was trendy.

Company vehicles must be inspected before each use using the checklist that's been on the dashboard since 2018 and is now largely illegible.

All equipment must be inspected before use. 'Inspected' means looking at it briefly and determining it probably won't explode.

6. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

Root cause analysis will be performed for all serious incidents. 'Root cause' is usually determined to be 'human error' because equipment is expensive to replace.

Near-misses should also be reported so we can learn from them. We have learned from approximately zero near-misses, but we appreciate the documentation.

Incident investigation will be conducted by the Safety Committee, which meets quarterly and consists of whoever shows up.

Corrective actions will be documented and implemented within a reasonable timeframe. 'Reasonable' is defined as 'before the next audit.'

7. VISITOR SAFETY

Visitors must be accompanied by a PedroFile employee at all times, primarily so we have someone to blame if they get lost.

All visitors must sign in at reception and receive a visitor badge. The badge must be worn visibly, preferably not upside down, though we appreciate the creativity.

8. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

Biohazard waste must be disposed of in designated red containers, not the regular trash. We learned this the hard way, and the janitorial staff still hasn't forgiven us.

All hazardous materials must be stored in clearly labeled containers. 'Clearly labeled' means someone wrote on it with a Sharpie that's mostly still legible.