Minor Miners

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: July 2, 2024 | Last Updated: February 23, 2025

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1. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

Personal protective equipment (PPE) is required in all designated areas. 'Designated areas' are wherever we put the yellow tape. If you can't find yellow tape, assume everywhere is dangerous.

All employees must complete mandatory safety training annually, consisting of a 47-minute video produced in 1997 and a quiz with answers that haven't changed since the Clinton administration.

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

All safety incidents must be reported within 24 hours using Form SF-47B, available in the supply closet that's been locked since 2021. Alternative reporting methods include interpretive dance or carrier pigeon.

2. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

Our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provides confidential counseling services. 'Confidential' means we don't read the reports, mostly because we're too busy.

Mental health days are available and totally won't be held against you during performance reviews. We promise. (This is not legally binding.)

Stress management resources include: deep breathing exercises, mindfulness apps (subscription not covered), and screaming into the void during designated break times.

Minor Miners recognizes that mental health is just as important as physical health, which is why we've put up some motivational posters and called it a program.

3. VISITOR SAFETY

All visitors must sign in at reception and receive a visitor badge. The badge must be worn visibly, preferably not upside down, though we appreciate the creativity.

Emergency procedures for visitors include: following your host, not panicking (more than necessary), and remembering that you signed a waiver at reception.

4. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

In case of earthquake, take cover under a sturdy desk. If your desk is one of those trendy standing desks with no actual desk part, we recommend finding someone with a real desk to hide under.

In case of fire, proceed calmly to the nearest exit. If you don't know where the nearest exit is, that's concerning, but now is a great time to learn.

5. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

All hazardous materials must be stored in clearly labeled containers. 'Clearly labeled' means someone wrote on it with a Sharpie that's mostly still legible.

Employees handling hazardous materials must wear appropriate protective gear, including gloves that may or may not be the correct type for the specific hazard—we ordered in bulk.

Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) are available in the Safety Binder, located in the supply room next to the first aid kit we've been meaning to restock.

Chemical spills should be contained immediately using the spill kit located... somewhere. It's definitely somewhere. Ask Derek; he might know.

6. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

Employees are encouraged to take regular breaks to stretch and move around. We installed that fancy coffee machine two floors away specifically for this purpose.

Minor Miners provides ergonomic assessments upon request. 'Upon request' means filling out a form, waiting 6-8 weeks, and then being told to adjust your monitor height.

Standing desks are available and have been proven to reduce sitting-related injuries while increasing standing-related complaints. It's a trade-off.

7. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

All workplace injuries, no matter how minor, must be reported within 24 hours. Paper cuts count. Emotional injuries from performance reviews do not.

Near-misses should also be reported so we can learn from them. We have learned from approximately zero near-misses, but we appreciate the documentation.

Incident investigation will be conducted by the Safety Committee, which meets quarterly and consists of whoever shows up.