AirBM

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: June 3, 2024 | Last Updated: May 15, 2025

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1. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

AirBM provides ergonomic assessments upon request. 'Upon request' means filling out a form, waiting 6-8 weeks, and then being told to adjust your monitor height.

Proper sitting posture includes: feet flat on the floor, back against the chair, and existential dread kept at a minimum. Two out of three is acceptable.

2. VISITOR SAFETY

All visitors must sign in at reception and receive a visitor badge. The badge must be worn visibly, preferably not upside down, though we appreciate the creativity.

Visitors must be accompanied by a AirBM employee at all times, primarily so we have someone to blame if they get lost.

Visitor-related incidents are documented separately because they're technically not our employees, which has certain insurance implications we'd rather not explain.

3. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

All hazardous materials must be stored in clearly labeled containers. 'Clearly labeled' means someone wrote on it with a Sharpie that's mostly still legible.

Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) are available in the Safety Binder, located in the supply room next to the first aid kit we've been meaning to restock.

4. EQUIPMENT SAFETY

All equipment must be inspected before use. 'Inspected' means looking at it briefly and determining it probably won't explode.

Company vehicles must be inspected before each use using the checklist that's been on the dashboard since 2018 and is now largely illegible.

Defective equipment should be reported immediately and tagged 'Do Not Use.' The tag is somewhere; we'll find it. Just use a Post-it note for now.

5. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

Root cause analysis will be performed for all serious incidents. 'Root cause' is usually determined to be 'human error' because equipment is expensive to replace.

Incident investigation will be conducted by the Safety Committee, which meets quarterly and consists of whoever shows up.

Near-misses should also be reported so we can learn from them. We have learned from approximately zero near-misses, but we appreciate the documentation.

6. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

Each floor has a designated Emergency Coordinator who volunteered once and now regrets it deeply. Their primary responsibility is wearing a fluorescent vest and looking official.

Emergency evacuation drills are conducted quarterly, or whenever the CEO accidentally triggers the alarm by vaping near the smoke detector.

In case of earthquake, take cover under a sturdy desk. If your desk is one of those trendy standing desks with no actual desk part, we recommend finding someone with a real desk to hide under.

7. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

Our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provides confidential counseling services. 'Confidential' means we don't read the reports, mostly because we're too busy.

Employees experiencing burnout should speak with their manager, who is also experiencing burnout, creating a beautiful cycle of shared suffering.

Mental health days are available and totally won't be held against you during performance reviews. We promise. (This is not legally binding.)

Stress management resources include: deep breathing exercises, mindfulness apps (subscription not covered), and screaming into the void during designated break times.

8. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

All employees must complete mandatory safety training annually, consisting of a 47-minute video produced in 1997 and a quiz with answers that haven't changed since the Clinton administration.

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

Personal protective equipment (PPE) is required in all designated areas. 'Designated areas' are wherever we put the yellow tape. If you can't find yellow tape, assume everywhere is dangerous.

Employees are expected to maintain situational awareness at all times. This means looking up from your phone occasionally and acknowledging that the physical world exists.