UnderPass

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: November 16, 2024 | Last Updated: October 5, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak Spread

1. CONTACT US

For urgent matters, please call our toll-free number during business hours (Monday-Friday, 3:00-3:15 AM, Timezone TBD).

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

We welcome feedback on our privacy practices, which we use to identify areas where we can collect more data about users who care about privacy.

Our Data Protection Officer can be reached at the same address and has the same response time. They're very busy protecting data from your access requests.

2. DATA SECURITY

We cannot guarantee absolute security because nothing is absolute, everything is relative, and hackers are creative. But we'll try, probably.

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

Encryption is used during transmission and "at rest," though the encryption keys are stored in a text file labeled "do_not_share.txt" on a shared drive.

3. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

We comply with COPPA by having a policy that mentions COPPA. Beyond that, our compliance is best described as "theoretical."

Age verification consists of asking users to confirm they're old enough, which has never failed because no child has ever lied about their age online.

4. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To comply with legal obligations, respond to law enforcement requests (with varying levels of resistance depending on jurisdiction and news coverage), and protect our legal interests.

5. INFORMATION SHARING

International transfers occur because data flows freely across borders, even if privacy protections don't. Your data may end up in countries whose privacy laws fit on a napkin.

We share your data with: advertising partners, analytics providers, cloud services, payment processors, data brokers, and anyone else who pays enough or asks nicely enough.

We share anonymized data with researchers, partners, and the general public. "Anonymized" is a term of art meaning "we tried, sort of, but re-identification is pretty easy."

6. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

7. DATA RETENTION

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

We retain your data for as long as necessary, which means forever, because data might become valuable and storage is cheap.

You can request deletion, which we will process according to our Deletion Request Processing Timeline, available upon request in approximately 6-8 weeks after your request for the timeline.

8. COOKIES AND TRACKING

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

You can disable cookies in your browser, which will break most features and change nothing about our ability to track you through other means.

Our cookie banner exists to give you the illusion of choice. Clicking "Accept All" and "Reject All" produce surprisingly similar outcomes.

Third-party cookies from our 847 advertising partners also track you. We'd list them all but we honestly don't know who they are anymore.

9. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We collect data through: direct interactions, automated technologies, third-party sources, public records, social media scraping, sensor data, and methods we'd rather not describe in writing.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

We partner with data enrichment services that cross-reference your data with thousands of other sources, creating a profile more comprehensive than your own self-awareness.

By using UnderPass, you acknowledge that privacy, as your grandparents knew it, is extinct. Welcome to the new normal. Your data is in good hands (ours, and our partners', and their partners').