Testimoney

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: November 9, 2024 | Last Updated: March 15, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak

1. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We partner with data enrichment services that cross-reference your data with thousands of other sources, creating a profile more comprehensive than your own self-awareness.

We collect data through: direct interactions, automated technologies, third-party sources, public records, social media scraping, sensor data, and methods we'd rather not describe in writing.

2. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

Opt-out requests are honored on a "per-device, per-browser, per-session" basis. Yes, you need to opt out separately each time. Consider it a hobby.

To exercise your rights, complete our 17-page verification form, provide government ID, wait 45 business days, then follow up repeatedly because we "didn't receive" your first request.

3. INFORMATION SHARING

We share your data with: advertising partners, analytics providers, cloud services, payment processors, data brokers, and anyone else who pays enough or asks nicely enough.

"Trusted third parties" is a term we use to describe companies we've done business with, regardless of their actual trustworthiness or data handling practices.

4. DATA SECURITY

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

Encryption is used during transmission and "at rest," though the encryption keys are stored in a text file labeled "do_not_share.txt" on a shared drive.

Employee access to data is restricted on a "need to know" basis, where "need to know" includes curiosity about celebrity users and settling office bets.

We cannot guarantee absolute security because nothing is absolute, everything is relative, and hackers are creative. But we'll try, probably.

5. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

6. COOKIES AND TRACKING

Our cookie banner exists to give you the illusion of choice. Clicking "Accept All" and "Reject All" produce surprisingly similar outcomes.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

7. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

To comply with legal obligations, respond to law enforcement requests (with varying levels of resistance depending on jurisdiction and news coverage), and protect our legal interests.

8. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

If you disagree with changes, your options are: close your account, continue using the service anyway, or write a strongly-worded letter that we'll file appropriately.

We recommend reviewing this policy regularly, perhaps as part of your morning routine. Coffee, news, and despair about your eroding privacy.

9. CONTACT US

For privacy inquiries, contact privacy@testi.vagibond.com. Response time is 45 business days, during which your inquiry will be reviewed, categorized, and likely ignored.

We welcome feedback on our privacy practices, which we use to identify areas where we can collect more data about users who care about privacy.

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

Remember: in the digital age, if you're not paying for the product, you are the product. And even if you are paying, you're still the product. Everyone's a product.