Take-A-Wish Foundation

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: November 2, 2024 | Last Updated: October 27, 2025

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Gruntslate Speak

1. COOKIES AND TRACKING

We use cookies because they're delicious (to advertisers) and essential (to surveillance capitalism). Here's a long explanation that won't change your behavior.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

Our cookie banner exists to give you the illusion of choice. Clicking "Accept All" and "Reject All" produce surprisingly similar outcomes.

Third-party cookies from our 847 advertising partners also track you. We'd list them all but we honestly don't know who they are anymore.

2. DATA RETENTION

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

We retain your data for as long as necessary, which means forever, because data might become valuable and storage is cheap.

Legal holds, regulatory requirements, and "legitimate business interests" justify retention well beyond any reasonable timeframe. We're very interested in your data, legitimately.

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

3. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

4. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

Changes are effective immediately upon posting. We'll notify you via email (if we feel like it), in-app message (if you're lucky), or telepathy (if it worked).

We may update this Privacy Policy occasionally, which means whenever we find new ways to monetize your data that require legal cover.

Your continued use after changes constitutes acceptance. Your discontinued use also constitutes acceptance of pre-change terms. Schrödinger's consent.

5. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Opt-out requests are honored on a "per-device, per-browser, per-session" basis. Yes, you need to opt out separately each time. Consider it a hobby.

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

Your rights don't apply to: data we've already shared, data we've "anonymized," data held by third parties, or data we're retaining for "legitimate purposes." So most of it.

6. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

Biometric data includes: facial geometry, fingerprints, voice patterns, retinal scans, DNA sequences (if you've used any ancestry service, we have it), and your unique typing rhythm.

This Privacy Policy reflects our current practices, which change frequently based on regulatory pressure, public relations disasters, and executive whims.