Vogue Pervert

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: February 17, 2024 | Last Updated: July 4, 2025

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1. COOKIES AND TRACKING

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

We use cookies because they're delicious (to advertisers) and essential (to surveillance capitalism). Here's a long explanation that won't change your behavior.

Third-party cookies from our 847 advertising partners also track you. We'd list them all but we honestly don't know who they are anymore.

2. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

Changes are effective immediately upon posting. We'll notify you via email (if we feel like it), in-app message (if you're lucky), or telepathy (if it worked).

We recommend reviewing this policy regularly, perhaps as part of your morning routine. Coffee, news, and despair about your eroding privacy.

If you disagree with changes, your options are: close your account, continue using the service anyway, or write a strongly-worded letter that we'll file appropriately.

We may update this Privacy Policy occasionally, which means whenever we find new ways to monetize your data that require legal cover.

3. DATA SECURITY

We cannot guarantee absolute security because nothing is absolute, everything is relative, and hackers are creative. But we'll try, probably.

Encryption is used during transmission and "at rest," though the encryption keys are stored in a text file labeled "do_not_share.txt" on a shared drive.

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

4. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

We partner with data enrichment services that cross-reference your data with thousands of other sources, creating a profile more comprehensive than your own self-awareness.

5. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

We comply with COPPA by having a policy that mentions COPPA. Beyond that, our compliance is best described as "theoretical."

Teen users (13-17) receive all the privacy protections of adults, meaning minimal protections, but with more colorful UI elements.

Age verification consists of asking users to confirm they're old enough, which has never failed because no child has ever lied about their age online.

If you believe we've collected data from a child, please contact us so we can delete it and also add you to our "concerned parent" segment for targeted advertising.

6. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

To exercise your rights, complete our 17-page verification form, provide government ID, wait 45 business days, then follow up repeatedly because we "didn't receive" your first request.

We may deny requests if: they're too burdensome, too frequent, insufficiently verified, or if we simply don't want to comply. We'll cite a legal exception either way.

7. INFORMATION SHARING

We may share data in connection with: mergers, acquisitions, bankruptcies, asset sales, or any corporate event that makes lawyers happy. Your data is an asset we can sell.

International transfers occur because data flows freely across borders, even if privacy protections don't. Your data may end up in countries whose privacy laws fit on a napkin.

"Trusted third parties" is a term we use to describe companies we've done business with, regardless of their actual trustworthiness or data handling practices.

We share your data with: advertising partners, analytics providers, cloud services, payment processors, data brokers, and anyone else who pays enough or asks nicely enough.

By using Vogue Pervert, you acknowledge that privacy, as your grandparents knew it, is extinct. Welcome to the new normal. Your data is in good hands (ours, and our partners', and their partners').