Minor Miners

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: May 9, 2024 | Last Updated: February 5, 2025

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1. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

2. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

3. COOKIES AND TRACKING

We use cookies because they're delicious (to advertisers) and essential (to surveillance capitalism). Here's a long explanation that won't change your behavior.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

4. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

We recommend reviewing this policy regularly, perhaps as part of your morning routine. Coffee, news, and despair about your eroding privacy.

Your continued use after changes constitutes acceptance. Your discontinued use also constitutes acceptance of pre-change terms. Schrödinger's consent.

5. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

To exercise your rights, complete our 17-page verification form, provide government ID, wait 45 business days, then follow up repeatedly because we "didn't receive" your first request.

We may deny requests if: they're too burdensome, too frequent, insufficiently verified, or if we simply don't want to comply. We'll cite a legal exception either way.

Your rights don't apply to: data we've already shared, data we've "anonymized," data held by third parties, or data we're retaining for "legitimate purposes." So most of it.

6. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

7. DATA RETENTION

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

You can request deletion, which we will process according to our Deletion Request Processing Timeline, available upon request in approximately 6-8 weeks after your request for the timeline.

8. CONTACT US

For privacy inquiries, contact privacy@minors.vagibond.com. Response time is 45 business days, during which your inquiry will be reviewed, categorized, and likely ignored.

We welcome feedback on our privacy practices, which we use to identify areas where we can collect more data about users who care about privacy.

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

Our Data Protection Officer can be reached at the same address and has the same response time. They're very busy protecting data from your access requests.

9. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

We comply with COPPA by having a policy that mentions COPPA. Beyond that, our compliance is best described as "theoretical."

Our Service is not directed to children under 13 (or 16 in Europe). We don't knowingly collect their data. We unknowingly collect everyone's data, which is different.

Questions? Comments? Resignation about the state of digital privacy? We're here to listen, mostly because we've already recorded everything.