Handy Jobs

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: April 12, 2024 | Last Updated: February 5, 2025

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1. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Your rights don't apply to: data we've already shared, data we've "anonymized," data held by third parties, or data we're retaining for "legitimate purposes." So most of it.

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

2. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

Age verification consists of asking users to confirm they're old enough, which has never failed because no child has ever lied about their age online.

Our Service is not directed to children under 13 (or 16 in Europe). We don't knowingly collect their data. We unknowingly collect everyone's data, which is different.

3. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

Biometric data includes: facial geometry, fingerprints, voice patterns, retinal scans, DNA sequences (if you've used any ancestry service, we have it), and your unique typing rhythm.

4. COOKIES AND TRACKING

We use cookies because they're delicious (to advertisers) and essential (to surveillance capitalism). Here's a long explanation that won't change your behavior.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

5. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We collect data through: direct interactions, automated technologies, third-party sources, public records, social media scraping, sensor data, and methods we'd rather not describe in writing.

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

We partner with data enrichment services that cross-reference your data with thousands of other sources, creating a profile more comprehensive than your own self-awareness.

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

6. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To comply with legal obligations, respond to law enforcement requests (with varying levels of resistance depending on jurisdiction and news coverage), and protect our legal interests.

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

7. INFORMATION SHARING

We share your data with: advertising partners, analytics providers, cloud services, payment processors, data brokers, and anyone else who pays enough or asks nicely enough.

"Trusted third parties" is a term we use to describe companies we've done business with, regardless of their actual trustworthiness or data handling practices.

We may share data in connection with: mergers, acquisitions, bankruptcies, asset sales, or any corporate event that makes lawyers happy. Your data is an asset we can sell.

8. DATA SECURITY

We implement "reasonable" security measures, where "reasonable" is defined as whatever we can afford after executive bonuses.

Encryption is used during transmission and "at rest," though the encryption keys are stored in a text file labeled "do_not_share.txt" on a shared drive.

Employee access to data is restricted on a "need to know" basis, where "need to know" includes curiosity about celebrity users and settling office bets.

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

9. CONTACT US

For urgent matters, please call our toll-free number during business hours (Monday-Friday, 3:00-3:15 AM, Timezone TBD).

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

10. DATA RETENTION

We retain your data for as long as necessary, which means forever, because data might become valuable and storage is cheap.

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

Legal holds, regulatory requirements, and "legitimate business interests" justify retention well beyond any reasonable timeframe. We're very interested in your data, legitimately.

This Privacy Policy reflects our current practices, which change frequently based on regulatory pressure, public relations disasters, and executive whims.