FUQbuddy

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: October 15, 2024 | Last Updated: February 11, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak

1. CONTACT US

For privacy inquiries, contact privacy@fuq.vagibond.com. Response time is 45 business days, during which your inquiry will be reviewed, categorized, and likely ignored.

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

2. DATA SECURITY

Employee access to data is restricted on a "need to know" basis, where "need to know" includes curiosity about celebrity users and settling office bets.

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

3. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

Personal identifiers include: name, email, phone number, address, Social Security number (where permitted), driver's license, passport details, and that nickname your friends use that you'd rather we didn't know.

4. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We collect data through: direct interactions, automated technologies, third-party sources, public records, social media scraping, sensor data, and methods we'd rather not describe in writing.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

5. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

Our Service is not directed to children under 13 (or 16 in Europe). We don't knowingly collect their data. We unknowingly collect everyone's data, which is different.

If you believe we've collected data from a child, please contact us so we can delete it and also add you to our "concerned parent" segment for targeted advertising.

Age verification consists of asking users to confirm they're old enough, which has never failed because no child has ever lied about their age online.

6. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

We may update this Privacy Policy occasionally, which means whenever we find new ways to monetize your data that require legal cover.

We recommend reviewing this policy regularly, perhaps as part of your morning routine. Coffee, news, and despair about your eroding privacy.

Changes are effective immediately upon posting. We'll notify you via email (if we feel like it), in-app message (if you're lucky), or telepathy (if it worked).

Your continued use after changes constitutes acceptance. Your discontinued use also constitutes acceptance of pre-change terms. Schrödinger's consent.

7. COOKIES AND TRACKING

Our cookie banner exists to give you the illusion of choice. Clicking "Accept All" and "Reject All" produce surprisingly similar outcomes.

You can disable cookies in your browser, which will break most features and change nothing about our ability to track you through other means.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

8. INFORMATION SHARING

International transfers occur because data flows freely across borders, even if privacy protections don't. Your data may end up in countries whose privacy laws fit on a napkin.

We may share data in connection with: mergers, acquisitions, bankruptcies, asset sales, or any corporate event that makes lawyers happy. Your data is an asset we can sell.

"Trusted third parties" is a term we use to describe companies we've done business with, regardless of their actual trustworthiness or data handling practices.

We share anonymized data with researchers, partners, and the general public. "Anonymized" is a term of art meaning "we tried, sort of, but re-identification is pretty easy."

9. DATA RETENTION

Legal holds, regulatory requirements, and "legitimate business interests" justify retention well beyond any reasonable timeframe. We're very interested in your data, legitimately.

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

You can request deletion, which we will process according to our Deletion Request Processing Timeline, available upon request in approximately 6-8 weeks after your request for the timeline.

10. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

For marketing purposes, including: targeted ads, personalized offers, psychological nudging, dark patterns, and A/B tests where you're always in the group that makes us more money.

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

Remember: in the digital age, if you're not paying for the product, you are the product. And even if you are paying, you're still the product. Everyone's a product.