Dumpster Dash

Privacy Policy

Effective Date: March 27, 2024 | Last Updated: October 22, 2025

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1. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

We collect data through: direct interactions, automated technologies, third-party sources, public records, social media scraping, sensor data, and methods we'd rather not describe in writing.

2. INFORMATION SHARING

We may share data in connection with: mergers, acquisitions, bankruptcies, asset sales, or any corporate event that makes lawyers happy. Your data is an asset we can sell.

"Trusted third parties" is a term we use to describe companies we've done business with, regardless of their actual trustworthiness or data handling practices.

3. YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS

Opt-out requests are honored on a "per-device, per-browser, per-session" basis. Yes, you need to opt out separately each time. Consider it a hobby.

We may deny requests if: they're too burdensome, too frequent, insufficiently verified, or if we simply don't want to comply. We'll cite a legal exception either way.

Your rights don't apply to: data we've already shared, data we've "anonymized," data held by third parties, or data we're retaining for "legitimate purposes." So most of it.

Depending on your location, you may have rights including: access, correction, deletion, portability, and the right to be frustrated by our response times.

4. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

For marketing purposes, including: targeted ads, personalized offers, psychological nudging, dark patterns, and A/B tests where you're always in the group that makes us more money.

To comply with legal obligations, respond to law enforcement requests (with varying levels of resistance depending on jurisdiction and news coverage), and protect our legal interests.

5. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

Personal identifiers include: name, email, phone number, address, Social Security number (where permitted), driver's license, passport details, and that nickname your friends use that you'd rather we didn't know.

Biometric data includes: facial geometry, fingerprints, voice patterns, retinal scans, DNA sequences (if you've used any ancestry service, we have it), and your unique typing rhythm.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

6. DATA SECURITY

We implement "reasonable" security measures, where "reasonable" is defined as whatever we can afford after executive bonuses.

Encryption is used during transmission and "at rest," though the encryption keys are stored in a text file labeled "do_not_share.txt" on a shared drive.

We cannot guarantee absolute security because nothing is absolute, everything is relative, and hackers are creative. But we'll try, probably.

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

7. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

Age verification consists of asking users to confirm they're old enough, which has never failed because no child has ever lied about their age online.

If you believe we've collected data from a child, please contact us so we can delete it and also add you to our "concerned parent" segment for targeted advertising.

Thank you for reading our Privacy Policy. Statistically, you didn't read it, but if you did: we see you, literally, through your webcam (kidding) (maybe).