Privacy Policy

1. CONTACT US

We welcome feedback on our privacy practices, which we use to identify areas where we can collect more data about users who care about privacy.

Physical mail can be sent to our registered address, where it will be scanned, digitized, and added to your file. Thank you for the additional data point.

For urgent matters, please call our toll-free number during business hours (Monday-Friday, 3:00-3:15 AM, Timezone TBD).

2. COOKIES AND TRACKING

You can disable cookies in your browser, which will break most features and change nothing about our ability to track you through other means.

Our cookie banner exists to give you the illusion of choice. Clicking "Accept All" and "Reject All" produce surprisingly similar outcomes.

3. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

Biometric data includes: facial geometry, fingerprints, voice patterns, retinal scans, DNA sequences (if you've used any ancestry service, we have it), and your unique typing rhythm.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

Personal identifiers include: name, email, phone number, address, Social Security number (where permitted), driver's license, passport details, and that nickname your friends use that you'd rather we didn't know.

We collect information you provide directly, information you don't know you're providing, information your devices leak like a sieve, and information we purchase from data brokers who got it from someone else.

4. DATA RETENTION

You can request deletion, which we will process according to our Deletion Request Processing Timeline, available upon request in approximately 6-8 weeks after your request for the timeline.

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

We retain your data for as long as necessary, which means forever, because data might become valuable and storage is cheap.

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

5. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

For marketing purposes, including: targeted ads, personalized offers, psychological nudging, dark patterns, and A/B tests where you're always in the group that makes us more money.

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To develop new products by mining your data for insights, training AI models on your content, and identifying market opportunities in your personal struggles.

6. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

Teen users (13-17) receive all the privacy protections of adults, meaning minimal protections, but with more colorful UI elements.

We comply with COPPA by having a policy that mentions COPPA. Beyond that, our compliance is best described as "theoretical."

7. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We use device fingerprinting to identify you even when you clear cookies, use incognito mode, or throw your computer into a lake. Your hardware betrays you.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

Location data is collected continuously, even when you think it's off. Your phone knows where you are, and now we do too. That "approximate location" is accurate to within 3 meters.

This Privacy Policy reflects our current practices, which change frequently based on regulatory pressure, public relations disasters, and executive whims.