UnderPass
You voluntarily assume all risks of injury, illness, or death that may result from participating in our services. Voluntarily, we said. This is definitely voluntary.
By signing this waiver, you accept responsibility for your own safety, the safety of your belongings, and the safety of your immortal soul (if applicable).
Risk assumption includes: risks arising from our negligence, our gross negligence, our employees' negligence, and negligence of people who once walked past our building.
You assume all risks, known and unknown, foreseen and unforeseen, imagined and unimagined, real and theoretical, in this dimension and all parallel dimensions.
By releasing UnderPass from liability, you also release us from the obligation to feel bad about it.
This release is binding upon you, your heirs, your executors, your administrators, and your descendants for the next seven generations.
You waive all claims for: personal injury, property damage, wrongful death, lost income, lost opportunity, lost dignity, and lost faith in humanity.
This release extends to: UnderPass, its officers, directors, employees, volunteers, interns, that guy who sometimes helps with IT, and anyone else we can think of.
You acknowledge that participating in UnderPass's services involves inherent risks, including but not limited to: physical injury, emotional distress, financial ruin, and discovering uncomfortable truths about yourself.
Risks may include: slipping, falling, tripping, stumbling, tumbling, toppling, plummeting, and any other synonym for 'gravity winning.'
This waiver includes claims under: tort law, contract law, statutory law, maritime law, bird law, and any law invented in the future specifically to address our behavior.
You waive the right to bring any legal action against UnderPass, even if we did something really, obviously, spectacularly wrong. Especially then.
Should you bring a claim despite this waiver, you agree to pay all legal fees, court costs, and the emotional toll on our legal team.
You agree that our first aid kit (expired in 2019) and our employee who 'knows some CPR' constitute reasonable medical preparedness.
In case of injury, you authorize UnderPass to seek medical treatment on your behalf, which you will pay for, because we're definitely not covering that.
You release all medical information to UnderPass that may be relevant to your care, which we will store securely and only share with our analytics team.
You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless UnderPass from any claims by you, your family, your lawyer, or anyone you've ever met.
Indemnification includes: legal fees, settlement costs, judgments, fines, regulatory penalties, and the cost of reputation repair PR campaigns.
If you fail to indemnify us properly, we reserve the right to be very disappointed in you.