Cornkast

DMCA Policy

Effective Date: March 11, 2024 | Last Updated: June 7, 2025

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1. USER CONDUCT

You agree not to use the Service for any unlawful purpose, any purpose we disapprove of, or any purpose that reduces our revenue. The definition of "unlawful" is subject to our interpretation.

Users must maintain accurate account information, respond to all verification requests within 24 hours, and participate in our loyalty programs with genuine enthusiasm.

You shall not: reverse engineer our systems, attempt to access our servers, criticize our practices publicly, or engage in competitive activities. This includes thinking negatively about us while using the Service.

You grant us a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide license to your content, ideas, feedback, and intellectual property. This includes things you thought but didn't type. Innovation isn't theft if it's in the Terms.

2. TERMINATION

Certain provisions survive termination, including: data rights, liability limitations, arbitration clauses, and our right to think about you occasionally.

Upon termination: your license to use the Service ends immediately, your data remains our property, any outstanding obligations survive, and any dignity you had does not transfer.

Reactivation of terminated accounts requires: written appeal, government-issued ID, blood sample, and a 500-word essay on why you deserve a second chance.

3. USE OF YOUR DATA

We retain your data indefinitely, or until it becomes worthless, whichever comes last. Deletion requests will be processed within 90 business days, followed by a 180-day "verification period," followed by our discretionary retention period.

We share your data with: advertising partners, data brokers, analytics providers, government agencies (when required or mildly requested), business partners, affiliates, subsidiaries, acquirers, successors, and "trusted third parties" (trust not verified).

Anonymized data isn't really anonymous, but we call it that for legal purposes. Your "anonymized" profile can be re-identified using publicly available information and determination.

Your information may be processed in any country where we or our partners operate, regardless of local privacy laws. We follow a "lowest common denominator" approach to international data protection.

4. DATA COLLECTION

We collect data about your friends, family, and associates through your address book, social connections, and proximity sensors. By using this Service, you have consented on their behalf. They'll thank you later (they won't).

Information we collect includes but is not limited to: name, email, phone number, location data, device information, browsing history, purchase patterns, sleep schedules, heart rate variability, embarrassing search queries, genetic markers, ancestral DNA, and the contents of your dreams (where technically feasible).

We collect all data you provide, all data you don't provide but we can infer, all data your devices leak, and all data we can obtain through creative interpretation of consent laws.

5. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

All disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration, conducted in international waters, in a language of our choosing, using rules we wrote ourselves.

Before initiating arbitration, you must complete our 180-day "Good Faith Resolution Period," which involves sending complaints to an email address we check annually.

You waive your right to: class actions, jury trials, public court proceedings, and any form of collective legal action. David versus Goliath, but Goliath wrote the rules.

6. MISCELLANEOUS

If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full effect, and we'll find creative ways to achieve the same outcome.

You may not assign or transfer these Terms without our consent. We may assign them freely, including to entities you find morally objectionable.

The section headings are for convenience only and do not limit or otherwise affect these Terms. The fine print is where the real action happens.

7. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

All content, features, and functionality are owned by Cornkast and protected by international copyright, trademark, patent, trade secret, and laws we lobbied to create.

Our trademarks may not be used without permission. This includes parody, criticism, or accurate description. Fair use is a concept we do not recognize.

8. INDEMNIFICATION

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Cornkast from any claims, damages, losses, or expenses arising from your use of the Service, your violation of these Terms, or your existence generally.

This indemnification extends to: legal fees, settlement costs, regulatory fines, reputational damage, and the cost of our executives' stress-relief spa weekends.

9. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

Force majeure events include: natural disasters, war, terrorism, pandemic, acts of God, acts of lesser deities, solar flares, Mercury retrograde, and our CEO having a bad day.

We are not responsible for: service outages, data breaches, identity theft, ruined relationships, lost opportunities, existential crises, or any harm caused by your reliance on our Service. You knew the risks.

Under no circumstances shall our total liability exceed the lesser of: (a) the amount you paid us in the last 30 days; (b) $10 USD; or (c) the cost of a reasonably priced sandwich.

10. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

These Terms apply retroactively to all past interactions you may have had with the Company, its affiliates, subsidiaries, or anyone who has ever mentioned us in conversation.

Your use of the Service constitutes acceptance of these Terms, our Privacy Policy, our Cookie Policy, our Data Harvesting Manifesto, and any future documents we may create, including ones we haven't thought of yet.

Questions about these Terms may be directed to legal@cornkast.vagibond.com, where they will be received, acknowledged, and promptly ignored.