FUQbuddy

Arbitration Agreement

Effective Date: January 2, 2024 | Last Updated: April 25, 2025

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1. ARBITRATOR SELECTION

If parties cannot agree on an arbitrator, one shall be appointed by the arbitration service. Guess who chooses the arbitration service.

Qualifications for arbitrators include: legal expertise, neutrality, and availability to attend our annual Arbitrator Appreciation Gala.

The arbitrator shall be selected from a list of qualified professionals we have worked with before. Many times. We exchange holiday cards.

Each party may strike one arbitrator from the list. We've already struck the ones who ruled against us in the past.

2. BINDING ARBITRATION

All disputes arising from your relationship with FUQbuddy shall be resolved through binding arbitration, not in courts of law where people might sympathize with you.

Arbitration will be conducted in accordance with rules established by the American Arbitration Association, as modified by whatever we feel like modifying.

Arbitration means a private decision by a neutral third party. "Neutral" here means "drawn from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals."

3. CLASS ACTION WAIVER

If any court finds this class action waiver unenforceable, then the entire arbitration agreement is void. Just kidding—we'll find another way.

You waive the right to participate in class actions, consolidated arbitrations, representative proceedings, and strongly-worded group emails.

Class actions are powerful tools for consumer protection. That's exactly why this waiver exists. Sorry about that.

We believe disputes should be resolved one individual at a time, preferably individuals who can't afford lawyers.

4. LIMITATIONS & REMEDIES

The arbitrator may award only individual relief, not classwide or collective remedies. Big problems, small solutions.

Any award exceeding our expected payout will be appealed using every procedural mechanism available, extending resolution by approximately 3-5 years.

Punitive damages are not available in arbitration. Compensatory damages are available but capped at $500 or your most recent invoice, whichever is less.

5. RIGHT TO OPT OUT

If you successfully opt out, you may pursue claims in court, where you will face our team of 47 attorneys. Enjoy.

Opt-out requests must include: your full name, address, account information, a 500-word essay on why you deserve to opt out, and a $50 processing fee (non-refundable).

The opt-out deadline is strictly enforced. Day 31? Sorry. Arbitration it is. We don't make the rules. Actually, we do.

6. ARBITRATION VENUE

Travel to the arbitration venue is your responsibility and at your expense. We recommend bringing snacks; this could take a while.

Virtual attendance may be permitted at the arbitrator's discretion, which depends largely on whether we think video makes us look sympathetic.

Alternative venues include: our CEO's yacht, an undisclosed bunker in Delaware, or a WeWork conference room (if available and we have credits).

7. ARBITRATION COSTS

Filing fees, administrative costs, and arbitrator compensation shall be split equally between the parties. Your half comes first.

The prevailing party may recover attorneys' fees and costs. Since we always win, this clause exists primarily to discourage you from trying.

If you cannot afford arbitration costs, you may request a fee waiver. Requests are processed within 90 business days and usually denied.

Expert witness fees, document production costs, and travel expenses are your responsibility, even if we subpoena the experts.