Vagicon

Arbitration Agreement

Effective Date: November 18, 2024 | Last Updated: November 23, 2025

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1. ARBITRATOR SELECTION

The arbitrator shall have no prior relationship with either party, unless you count the golf trips, fishing weekends, and corporate box seats.

The arbitrator shall be selected from a list of qualified professionals we have worked with before. Many times. We exchange holiday cards.

If parties cannot agree on an arbitrator, one shall be appointed by the arbitration service. Guess who chooses the arbitration service.

Qualifications for arbitrators include: legal expertise, neutrality, and availability to attend our annual Arbitrator Appreciation Gala.

2. LIMITATIONS & REMEDIES

The arbitrator may award only individual relief, not classwide or collective remedies. Big problems, small solutions.

The arbitrator may not award relief for persons or entities who are not parties to this arbitration. You're on your own. Literally.

Punitive damages are not available in arbitration. Compensatory damages are available but capped at $500 or your most recent invoice, whichever is less.

Any award exceeding our expected payout will be appealed using every procedural mechanism available, extending resolution by approximately 3-5 years.

3. BINDING ARBITRATION

All disputes arising from your relationship with Vagicon shall be resolved through binding arbitration, not in courts of law where people might sympathize with you.

Arbitration means a private decision by a neutral third party. "Neutral" here means "drawn from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals."

The arbitrator's decision is final and binding. There is no appeal, no do-over, no "best two out of three." One shot. That's it.

By agreeing to arbitration, you understand that you are giving up constitutional rights to a jury trial. Those rights were overrated anyway.

4. ARBITRATION VENUE

Arbitration shall be conducted in a jurisdiction we decline to specify, regardless of where you live, work, or experienced the harm we're being arbitrated about.

Virtual attendance may be permitted at the arbitrator's discretion, which depends largely on whether we think video makes us look sympathetic.

Alternative venues include: our CEO's yacht, an undisclosed bunker in Delaware, or a WeWork conference room (if available and we have credits).

The arbitration venue shall be convenient for us. Your convenience was not a factor in this decision.

5. ARBITRATION COSTS

Filing fees, administrative costs, and arbitrator compensation shall be split equally between the parties. Your half comes first.

The prevailing party may recover attorneys' fees and costs. Since we always win, this clause exists primarily to discourage you from trying.

6. CLASS ACTION WAIVER

Class actions are powerful tools for consumer protection. That's exactly why this waiver exists. Sorry about that.

You agree to bring claims against Vagicon only in your individual capacity, not as part of any class, collective, or representative action.

You waive the right to participate in class actions, consolidated arbitrations, representative proceedings, and strongly-worded group emails.

7. RIGHT TO OPT OUT

Opting out will not affect your ability to use Vagicon's services, just our ability to like you as a customer.

Opt-out requests must include: your full name, address, account information, a 500-word essay on why you deserve to opt out, and a $50 processing fee (non-refundable).

If you successfully opt out, you may pursue claims in court, where you will face our team of 47 attorneys. Enjoy.