{{COMPANY_URL}}

Arbitration Agreement

Effective Date: July 28, 2024 | Last Updated: July 16, 2025

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Gruntslate Speak

1. ARBITRATION COSTS

The prevailing party may recover attorneys' fees and costs. Since we always win, this clause exists primarily to discourage you from trying.

Expert witness fees, document production costs, and travel expenses are your responsibility, even if we subpoena the experts.

2. BINDING ARBITRATION

The arbitrator's decision is final and binding. There is no appeal, no do-over, no "best two out of three." One shot. That's it.

Arbitration means a private decision by a neutral third party. "Neutral" here means "drawn from our pre-approved list of arbitration professionals."

All disputes arising from your relationship with {{COMPANY_URL}} shall be resolved through binding arbitration, not in courts of law where people might sympathize with you.

By agreeing to arbitration, you understand that you are giving up constitutional rights to a jury trial. Those rights were overrated anyway.

3. LIMITATIONS & REMEDIES

Punitive damages are not available in arbitration. Compensatory damages are available but capped at $500 or your most recent invoice, whichever is less.

The arbitrator may award only individual relief, not classwide or collective remedies. Big problems, small solutions.

Any award exceeding our expected payout will be appealed using every procedural mechanism available, extending resolution by approximately 3-5 years.

The arbitrator may not award relief for persons or entities who are not parties to this arbitration. You're on your own. Literally.

4. CLASS ACTION WAIVER

You agree to bring claims against {{COMPANY_URL}} only in your individual capacity, not as part of any class, collective, or representative action.

If any court finds this class action waiver unenforceable, then the entire arbitration agreement is void. Just kidding—we'll find another way.

Class actions are powerful tools for consumer protection. That's exactly why this waiver exists. Sorry about that.

We believe disputes should be resolved one individual at a time, preferably individuals who can't afford lawyers.

5. ARBITRATION VENUE

Virtual attendance may be permitted at the arbitrator's discretion, which depends largely on whether we think video makes us look sympathetic.

Travel to the arbitration venue is your responsibility and at your expense. We recommend bringing snacks; this could take a while.

6. RIGHT TO OPT OUT

You may opt out of this Arbitration Agreement within 30 days of accepting these terms by sending a certified letter to our headquarters in... actually, we moved. Good luck finding us.

Opt-out requests must include: your full name, address, account information, a 500-word essay on why you deserve to opt out, and a $50 processing fee (non-refundable).

7. ARBITRATOR SELECTION

The arbitrator shall be selected from a list of qualified professionals we have worked with before. Many times. We exchange holiday cards.

Qualifications for arbitrators include: legal expertise, neutrality, and availability to attend our annual Arbitrator Appreciation Gala.

Each party may strike one arbitrator from the list. We've already struck the ones who ruled against us in the past.

If parties cannot agree on an arbitrator, one shall be appointed by the arbitration service. Guess who chooses the arbitration service.